


Piece by Piece

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, bisexual Carlos Reyes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: Carlos Reyes's world is rocked on its axis when his father walks out on them the summer after high school.  For family support they move to New York just in time for college.  He moves out on his own and his roommate seems to be just as broken as he is if not worse.  Can they help each other piece together their broken parts?  Or will they spiral off into darkness instead?
Relationships: Carlos Reyes & his mother, Carlos Reyes/Iris Blake (Minor), Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Grace Ryder/Judd Ryder (9-1-1 Lone Star), Judd Ryder & TK Strand, Owen Strand & TK Strand
Comments: 16
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

The first glimpse of his apartment was underwhelming to say the least. 

Carlos squinted against the sun and tried to see anything other than four bare, plain walls and brown carpeting that looked less than inviting. He could barely afford this place and it was nothing to write home about. The air conditioning was feeble at best and he could feel sweat rolling off of him. He set down the two boxes he carried and tried to block out the feeling that this might be a mistake. 

It hadn’t been his idea to move into a ratty apartment his freshman year of college, but it made sense for his family. They were a family of five merging with another family of four and there simply wasn’t room for an adult man who was meant to be on his own by now. He had to be strong and figure out how to make life make sense in a city that never seemed to stay still for one damn minute. He wasn’t trying to say Texas was better than the Big Apple, but that might be exactly what he was thinking. Everything was so big and busy here that you barely had time to sort out your own thoughts. Then again, perhaps that was best right now.

A thud from the stairwell brought him out of his thoughts quickly and he darted out to the hall to see his mother coming up the stairs carrying a box that positively dwarfed her in comparison. He sighed and hurried forward to take it from her before she could topple backward and get hurt. 

“Mami, you don’t have to be carrying boxes upstairs,” Carlos admonished her gently as he shifted the weight off of her. “I have sisters to do that, and I have Iris with her sister as well. I don’t want you to lift anything.”

“Carlos, I’m not so old I can’t lift a few boxes,” His mother replied but she looked relieved all the same to have the box gone. “Well, this place is definitely a starter apartment.”

“Carlos, you literally have graffiti on your building,” Jayda was next up the stairs with a box in her hands and her long black hair twisted up into a knot. “It’s like all the movies in cities. Next we’ll hear gang activity and gunshots outside.”

“This neighborhood is rough in appearance only,” Carlos corrected her as he glanced at his mother. “It’s not a bad neighborhood from what my roommate says.”

“Oh yeah the guy you literally met online,” His sister mocked as she let the box flop to the floor and coughed as a cloud of dust followed. 

“Where do you want your stuff for your room, Carlos?” Maya’s quiet voice appeared next to him as she too carried a box with his clothes in it. She was the quieter of his twin sisters and definitely had a sweeter disposition than Jayda. 

“Well, I don’t know what room TK wants yet…” Carlos checked his watch and wondered when his new roommate would actually be here. They had agreed on noon, but it seemed like TK was running late. 

“You’re here first, so you get first pick!” Jayda announced as she threw open one of the doors and immediately made a noise of excitement. “This room has a bookshelf built in and a window seat. You should definitely take this room. This loser TK can have the other room for being late.”

“TK?” A voice floated in as the front door was pushed open for yet another time with two more pairs of feet trailing through it. “Your roommate isn’t TK Strand, is it?”

“Um, yeah, actually,” Carlos answered as he took a box from the shorter of the two girls with brown hair that fell to her shoulders. “I figured New York was big enough to have several TKs in it.”

“That’s the TK we went to high school with,” Iris Blake told him. “I wonder if he’s as wild as he used to be. Wasn’t he a party boy Michelle?”

“He certainly made a point to seem like one anyways,” Michelle replied as she set her own box down. “We have about six boxes left and your youngest sister is outside petting an orange cat she found.”

“That’s Sofia,” Carlos couldn’t help a smile gracing his face. His youngest sister loved cats more than anything else in the world and she seemed to make friends with them wherever she went. She knew way too many facts about the four legged creatures and was determined to have a cat or five when she got old enough to be on her own. “Mami, you don’t have to clean.”

“Nene, someone needs to,” His mother argued with a damp rag in her hand already and opening up all the cupboards. “WIth two boys living here this place should at least start off clean.”

“I know how to clean just fine,” Carlos rolled his eyes, but he knew his mother needed to do something for him to make the place feel like home.

“Mami, does Carlos have to leave?” He heard Maya ask as his little sister wandered into the kitchen after his mother. His heart twisted to hear her quiet voice and he could only imagine the heartache she was going through on top of everything else that was happening. 

“Carlos is going to have a marvellous time going to classes and making new friends,” His mother answered with a hand running over her daughter’s hair. “He’s not going to be far and will always be at Sunday dinner with us. You’ll have school soon as well and you’ll be so busy you’ll hardly miss him.”

“It’s bad enough Papi is gone,” Maya said and Carlos could hear the unshed tears in her voice as he leaned his head back against the old wall. “I want our family to be together.” 

“You look far too sad for this,” Iris appeared in front of him and Carlos was grateful for the distraction from the conversation in the kitchen. “You’re literally moving into your new place in New York City. You should at least be a little excited for all of this. Plus if your roommate is as absent as I remember him being we will have plenty of time for fun.” She leaned in to kiss his jaw gently with a playful smile. 

“Do I have to go get more of your stuff so you can make out with your new girlfriend?” Jayda asked with a hand on her hip and an eyebrow raised. “I think you should pay me ten bucks per box I carry up these rickety stairs.”

“I think you should be nicer to me,” Carlos shoved her lightly with a mock frown. “Who else is going to distract Mami when you want to wear a skirt three inches too short?”

“Aunt Lola will be on my side,” Jayda smiled at him but Carlos could see there was a hint of sadness there.

“You’ll miss me,” Carlos told her confidently as Iris went back to her own sister to pester. 

“I definitely will not miss you bossing me around all the time,” Jayda insisted as she flounced out the door and down to the moving truck. Carlos shook his head and tried not to let the conversation he overheard in the kitchen get him down too much. 

It had been a wild summer and three months ago he never would have imagined starting college in New York City of all places. Hunter College was just as good as any school, and he had gotten onto the basketball team to boot, but it just hadn’t been the plan. He was supposed to go to school in Austin where he had grown up with the rest of his class. His parents were supposed to stay together for the rest of their lives and grow old in the house he had grown up in. His sister was supposed to want to live longer than fifteen years. His father was supposed to be loyal and true to their family. He was supposed to stay in the closet if it meant keeping his family together. 

Absolutely none of that happened.

Instead his father walked out on their family to be with another woman leaving his wife devastated beyond words and three daughters shattered to pieces. He left his son to hold together what pieces he could and push his own emotions to the side. His sister had tried to take her life shortly after that due to bullying in her school and that had been the final straw for his mother to decide they needed a new start and that new start was going to be by her sister in New York. His family was barely together so when it was obvious there wasn’t much room between two families in one household Carlos volunteered to move out and find a roommate in the city. Now he was in a new city with a new apartment and a new roommate while all he wanted was for it all to be old and familiar again. He would give anything to go back to last year but life kept propelling him forward toward a future he wasn’t prepared for. 

“Okay, your new roommate is a complete asshole,” Jayda announced as she slammed open the door and two more boxes hit the floor. “Who snaps at a twelve-year-old girl petting a cat out of the fucking way? He thinks he owns the entire damn sidewalk! He may be a pretty gringo, but his head needs to come out of his ass.”

“Language, mija!” His mother scolded upon hearing the loud rant from the entryway. “Where is your sister?”

“Coming upstairs now after that ass made her cry,” Jayda folded her arms and wore a very unhappy expression. Carlos felt a flare of anger himself at anyone who made Sofia cry. His sister had been prone to tears easily since their entire lives had been uprooted a few months ago and every single time he hated to see tears on her beautiful face. 

“I’m fine,” Sofia waved her hand as she came through the door with her face red and tracks of tears on her cheeks. Carlos was at her side faster than anyone and had her wrapped in his arms before she could protest. She sighed and hid her face in his shoulder as Maya came on her other side to rub her back.

“What did he say to you?” Carlos asked protectively as he ran a hand through her long curls. 

“He just startled me,” Sofia sniffled but did truly seem to be okay. “He swore a lot and told me to get out of the way before his dad stepped in and started yelling at him. I’m fine, honestly.”

“Yeah because yelling at kids is fine,” Jayda said bitterly. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Carlos asked her, cupping her face gently. She nodded and he wiped the last of the tears off her cheeks. “Go check out the room on the left. Jayda has decided that one is mine and it has a nice view of Central Park.”

Carlos nodded for Jayda and Maya to take care of their youngest sister as he heard more footsteps on the stairs. He needed to be sure to keep his temper in check. The last thing he needed was to start his relationship with his roommate with a fight over the honor of his sister. Then again, nobody could mess with his sisters and not face the consequences. 

He wasn’t prepared for TK Strand in any way.

He was slightly shorter than him with pale skin that stretched over his long arms and legs. He was dwarfed in a large hoodie as he shuffled through the door laden down with his belongings. The moment they locked eyes Carlos lost all rational thought as he looked into endless green eyes that held something dark and captivating that he couldn’t turn away from. His eyes were large and expressive with a slender nose and chiseled jawline. He was completely breathless for a moment as he took in the beauty of the man he was living with for the next year. For just a moment he managed to forget the worries of his own life as he felt something stir in him as he gazed at TK. 

“So, I know you like making girls cry,” Carlos said to him with a raised eyebrow as his sister's laughter brought him back to reality. No matter how pretty this boy was, he still wasn’t allowed to make his sister cry for any reason. 

“What?” TK asked and now Carlos noticed how bloodshot his eyes were and how tired he looked now that he was past the first look of beauty. TK was definitely the most attractive man Carlos had ever seen, but he also looked like a complete wreck when you managed to look that much closer. Carlos nodded towards his open room where his sisters were now talking on his bed and it was obvious Jayda and Maya were doing their best to make Sofia laugh again as soon as possible. TK followed his gaze and paled a further two shades before his cheeks were stained red in embarrassment. “That’s your sister? Oh, man, I am so sorry. I just-”

“I’d appreciate it if you hold your tongue next time,” Carlos said firmly and he saw TK look at him for a few extra moments before nodding. 

“You really put your foot in it this time, didn’t you?” Carlos now noticed the man with his roommate and the resemblances were obvious enough that he guessed this was his father straight away. A pang went through him at the fond look the older man shot his son but he pushed it down as far as he could. He didn’t want the man his father was, only the man Carlos had believed him to be. 

“Not like I meant to, Dad,” TK muttered as he headed back out the door presumably to get more of his things from out front. 

“Owen Strand,” The man held out his hand to Carlos for him to shake. “TK is really a good kid even if he does have a bit of a temper.”

“The merit of a man is how he controls his temper,” His mother had been quiet enough which was unlike her for the most part, but ever since his father left she had been quiet. “I’m Carla Reyes and this is my son Carlos. It’s nice to meet you, even if your son has yet to prove himself.”

“I can tell he has some work to do,” Owen replied with a grin her way. He was as charming as his son could have been had he wiped the scowl off his face for more than a few minutes at a time. He easily swept his mother in conversation about the neighbors downstairs whom they had met through Sofia beginning to cry and TK causing a scene in front of their building. Apparently the husband named Judd had come out to see what the commotion was about and Owen had easily started talking to him. Carlos had to wonder where the charisma had gone when it came to his son judging by the way he seemed to make friends with just about anyone in ten seconds. 

“We got slushies!” Iris announced as she burst through the doors with two trays in her hands and Michelle trailing her with a third. The Blake sisters were new friends he had met at basketball camp this summer that had coincided with a cheer camp in the same building. The camp had been meant to serve as a distraction from his parent’s marriage falling apart, but it had let him have a place to process his pain away from three little sisters and his mother. Iris had found him alone on the first day as she snuck out to smoke and while Carlos didn’t touch the stuff he appreciated the easy company she provided. Before the three weeks was over she had kissed him against more than one tree and he was kind of hooked to her devil may care attitude and how she never took life too seriously. She was a fantastic cheerleader and she worked as hard as she played. Michelle used to cheer in high school so she attended the camp with her sister, but she wasn’t intending on continuing for college like her sister. Michelle was a bit more quiet than Iris and Carlos knew from a memorable karaoke night that she had a killer voice. They were both nice enough and he was grateful he at least knew two people on campus before classes started.

“Slushies?” Jayda repeated loudly and in an instant the three girls were back in the living room. “Your girlfriend is much cooler than your douchebag roommate.”

“Jayda, enough!” Carla said sternly from where she was talking in the kitchen with Owen and for some reason they were talking about fire codes. Carlos had missed something there evidently. 

“That guy is your roommate?” Sofia said as she turned red just as TK came back in with the last of his stuff. 

“I’m sorry I made you upset,” TK said as he spotted her and Carlos could see his heart wasn’t in it. He wasn’t sure if that was because he didn’t mean it or if his heart just wasn’t in anything right now. He seemed to be pretty lackluster in general unless he was angry about something the world had done. “I was having a bad day and I took it out on you. It’s not much of an excuse, but I am sorry for upsetting you.”

“Strand, I thought I got rid of you back in May,” Iris said as she held out a red slushie to the man currently under the glare of all three of his sisters. Carlos didn’t envy his position, but he wasn’t about to save him either since he had earned it fairly. 

“Blake, what are the chances?” TK replied with a hint of a small grin and the way that flash of upturned lips made his stomach flip told Carlos he was in more trouble than he originally thought. “Wait, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Your roommate is my boyfriend,” Iris said proudly as she turned to grin at Carlos. “We’ll be seeing quite a bit of each other it seems. That is, if you’re ever home.”

“Well, it’s a small world,” TK commented but Carlos felt his intense gaze on him and he fought not to flush. “Michelle going here as well?”

“I talked her into staying around, yeah,” Iris looked around for her, but came up empty. “She must have left which means that’s my cue to go as well since she’s my ride. Bye baby, see you soon!” She kissed him on the cheek before hurrying out of the apartment and out to the street. 

“Only Michelle would drive in the city,” TK mused with a shake of his head. He headed back into his room where his dad had taken the majority of his boxes. 

“Mijo, are you okay if we go back to Lola’s?” His mother asked and Carlos felt a wave of anxiety pass over him at the thought of being on his own for the first time. He knew this moment would come after the chaos of moving boxes, but he wasn’t looking forward to seeing her go. 

“Yeah, go on and get some dinner after a day like today,” Carlos put on a smile and hugged his mother tightly, grateful when she seemed to sense he needed a few extra moments in her arms. “Thank you for your help, really. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I’m only a phone call away, alright?” His mom placed a hand on his cheek and kissed his other gently. “I love you so much and I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks Mami.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning to his sisters. Sofia was the first to launch herself into his arms for a tight hug. He held his youngest sister close and tried not to feel like he was abandoning them like another man in their life just had. 

“I’ll see you soon,” Carlos promised her softly as he kissed her cheek. “Try to stay out of trouble in the meantime.”

“Like Sofia knows how to cause trouble,” Jayda said with a fond smile to her sister. “Maya the one you really have to worry about. She’s definitely the one causing all the trouble.” This caused all four of them to laugh since Maya had never caused trouble a day in her life, Jayda more than making up for it through the years. “Good luck with the gringo, hermano. Don’t you dare be late on Sunday.”

“I’ll be there,” Carlos hugged Jayda even tighter than Sofia and laughed when she struggled against his hold. “Don’t drive Mami crazy.”

“Mami loves me,” Jayda said confidently as their mother shook her head. “We’ll try not to forget you exist, but no promises.”

“I’ll walk Maya down,” Carlos told his mother as the three women started to head out the door. Maya gave him a small smile as he slung an arm around her shoulders. Maya was quiet in a house full of Reyes, and Carlos never wanted her to feel unseen or unheard. He was close with all of his sisters, but he worried about Maya the most. She hadn’t been well for quite some time and nobody had noticed just how low she had gotten until it was almost too late. 

“How are you doing?” Carlos asked her quietly as they slowly walked away from the apartment. She shrugged and snuggled further into his side. 

“I’m not one for big and loud places, but I’m doing alright,” She replied as she glanced up at him shyly. “I miss Papi a lot.”

“I miss him too,” Carlos agreed with a heavy sigh. 

“Are we never going to talk to him again? Is he really gone, just like that?” She was biting her bottom lip as she looked out over the crowded city. “I mean, he’s our family and I don’t see how he can just be gone and we pretend like he never existed. He’s my papi, you know?”

“Nobody expects you to forget him.” Carlos rubbed her arm gently. “I don’t know if he’ll get back in touch with us or not to be honest with you. I think he’s letting things settle. I miss him, but I’m also incredibly angry for what he did.”

“He really hurt Mami,” Maya agreed before sighing when they reached the sidewalk and turning to him for a hug. “I’m going to miss you so much, Carlos.”

“You can text or call anytime, okay? I’m only across town and I don’t plan on being a stranger. Someone needs to keep Jayda in check after all.” He kissed her forehead as he held her close to him for as long as she needed. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” She was blinking back tears and he hated this whole situation their father had forced them into. He brushed her hair back gently before sending her off with the rest of the Reyes women. 

He trudged upstairs to find only TK was left in their apartment. Owen had left while he was saying goodbye to his family. He suddenly felt lonely as he flopped down on the couch, a little lost if he was being honest. TK had seemed much friendlier over messages and he knew nobody else in the city besides his girlfriend. 

“You’re dating Iris Blake,” TK was leaning in the doorway to his room and startled him out of his melancholy thoughts. “That’s….bold.”

“She’s a spitfire I guess,” Carlos said carefully as he looked over his roommate. “Your dad left, too?”

“He had a shift,” TK’s tone was bitter as he rolled his eyes. “I’m shocked he even bothered to help me carry up boxes.”

Carlos had to bite his tongue that at least TK had a dad that was still around to see his first apartment. “My mom stocked up the fridge for us to get us started off. I’m afraid she’ll probably be around quite a bit.”

“She seems great,” TK’s eyes were the most expressive part about him and they showed wistfulness as they talked about his mom. “You won’t need to worry about a mom on my end of things.”

“Did you lose her?” Carlos asked delicately, hoping he wasn’t bringing up bad memories. TK let out a short laugh that was back to being nothing short of bitter. 

“I guess I did in a way. She’s a lawyer uptown and I’ve barely seen her since she left my dad back in 2001. I’ll be shocked if she makes it over here once before our lease is over.” TK ran a hand through his hair and his shirt rode up just enough to reveal a stripe of pale skin that made Carlos’s mind wander quickly. He really should tell TK he could relate to a parent deciding they didn’t want to be one anymore, but right now he felt vulnerable enough without bringing that up. 

“Should we get a pizza or something?” Carlos offered the easiest option since they were both exhausted from moving their stuff in all day long. 

“There’s only one pizza place I eat from, and you’re going to feel the same after you try it. You never go back to just any old pizza.” TK pulled out his phone and flopped down on the other end of the couch. “I got pizza covered.”

So TK was just a regular old person, even if he was a bit of a mystery. Carlos never minded a good mystery to keep things interesting. This was the start of something new, and it could be a worse start than mouth watering pizza. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TK has a no good very terrible bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be alternating between TK and Carlos each chapter and I'll be the first to admit that this TK chapter got away from me a little bit. I'm taking events from canon and mixing them into my own version of this timeline. TK is quite a bit younger so he's a lot more emotionally vulnerable. He's going to have a real struggle staying sober since he's so young and I'm making Owen a tad more absent in this. 
> 
> It's gonna be a ride.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy and leave a comment!!

  
  


TK woke to the rustling of fabric and blearily opened his eyes enough to see his latest hook up pulling on pants and buttoning up his shirt. He knew it was early by the weak rays of sunlight peeking through the shades and he hadn’t yet heard his roommate’s alarm go off. He winced as he tried to sit up when pain shot through his lower half and decided to just lay back down. The other man must have spotted his attempts at moving since a smirk crossed his face in satisfaction.

“I would probably stay in bed today sweetheart,” The man whose name TK couldn’t remember for the life of him said in a low voice. The voice sent shivers up his spine and he wished he could remember just how they ended up in bed together. 

“Don’t slam the door in case my roommate is sleeping,” TK replied lazily instead of snapping that he wasn’t anyone’s sweetheart. Not anymore at least and if he had any sense left in his head he would keep it that way. “Thanks for the good fuck and all that.”

“There could always be a next time. Can’t get as good as you for free anymore.” The man replied and the implication that he was as good as a whore sent a flush of shame through him. 

“Get the hell out,” TK flopped onto his back and waited for the footsteps to fade and the front door to open and shut. He sighed deeply and knew he should get up for that math class he already liked to avoid and it was only the second week of class. It wasn’t long before he heard the distant blare of his roommate’s alarm clock and then he heard the shuffle of his roommate getting dressed and ready for the day. Carlos Reyes was very quiet and most definitely not a party boy. He was studious and smart and played basketball. He was close with his family and called them nearly every day as well as going to Sunday dinners. TK was lucky to hear from his dad once every couple days and his mom once a month at best. He wondered how it would feel to have a family that was close like that.

Maybe he wouldn’t be so fucked up if that were the case.

He rolled off his bed and stood up with a wince as he gazed around for a clean enough pair of jeans he could slip on that would pass as decent. He tugged on a hoodie next before deciding that was enough of an effort this early in the morning. He ran a hand through his hair as he pulled open his door and stepped out into their living room. Carlos was in the kitchen making breakfast as usual. His roommate liked to cook which baffled TK to no end. He not only burned water, but he couldn’t remember enjoying any time figuring out how to make anything. He much preferred using an app to order food brought to him. 

He stepped in the kitchen and as usual felt his heart skip a few beats when he saw Carlos Reyes for the first time that morning. 

TK kept hoping the effect of seeing Carlos’s caramel skin with rippling muscles underneath would fade the more he saw of it. Today was sadly not that day however, as evidenced by the way his mouth went dry and he found himself speechless for a good few minutes. 

“Morning TK,” Carlos said quietly. TK wanted to just fall into the sound of his voice forever and live there. HIs voice was so smooth and soft with just the hint of an accent to it. He was smitten with Carlos and he could only admit it in the privacy of his own mind. The way he felt scared him since he couldn’t feel that way for someone, not yet, not this soon. He wasn’t ready to hit the pavement again after he fell with nobody to catch him. 

“Hey, “TK replied as he slumped at the table, regretting it when a shock of pain went through him. He liked it rough it was true, but damn last night had been a lot. 

“Are you alright?” Carlos was eyeing him from the stove where he was making pancakes. On top of being gorgeous Carlos was also caring and endlessly kind. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m just tired.” TK rubbed a hand over his face and tried to make some activity come into his brain. He pushed up the sleeves of his hoodie and bit his lip when he saw the bruises around his wrists. 

“Here, eat up,” Carlos insisted as he set down a plate of steaming pancakes. He really should protest Carlos feeding him so much, but the food was so damn good he couldn’t complain. 

“Thanks,” TK said softly with what he hoped passed for a smile. Carlos sat across from him with his own plate and started to eat alongside him. 

TK wanted to talk to Carlos, but he found himself almost paralyzed with fear. He liked Carlos already and if he got to know him the chances were he would like him so much more. He had no idea if Carlos was straight or bi or what, but it wasn’t looking good since he was taken. He was so wrapped up in his own pain and problems that he almost forgot how to have just a normal conversation anymore.

“So, what does your dad do?” Carlos broke the silence for him, but his subject choice could have been better. TK loved his dad, of course he did, but he hated his job most of the time. His dad was a hero, but it felt like the one person he couldn’t save was his own son. 

“He’s a firefighter with the NYFD, ladder 252. He loves his job more than anyone I’ve ever known.” TK tried not to be bitter when he thought of the fire family that had always seemed to come before their actual family. He knew it wasn’t fair to think this way, but ever since his father had let his mother walk away he had a bitter taste in his mouth when he thought of the firehouse he knew as well as the house he’d grown up in. 

“That must have been hard to grow up with. Was he working when the towers fell?” Carlos was only asking simple questions TK reminded himself. He was just making conversation since he was incapable of doing the same. He didn’t mean to bring up one of the worst times of his life. 

“Yeah, um, he lost his entire crew that day. It was a scary time.” TK lost his appetite as he realized the anniversary of that day was coming up and he was about to lose his dad entirely for a few weeks. 

“I’ve thought about becoming a cop,” Carlos was watching him closely and he seemed to sense he had hit a nerve. It was a good thing TK had no intentions of becoming attached to Carlos. He wasn’t sure if he could handle dating a first responder after growing up with one. The fear of losing someone you loved on a regular basis wasn’t something TK would recommend to anyone. 

“Police academy is tough, but it’s probably worth it. What made you decide you wanted to do that?” TK felt the band around his chest loosen as they moved on to other things. He glanced over at Carlos and saw his face was the most closed off he’d been since they’d met. His eyes were dark and guarded in a way he hadn’t seen before. He must have hit his share of nerves for the other man.

“I want to help people.” The answer was generic enough, but TK knew there was much more to it than that. He could see it in Carlos’s face that the reason ran much deeper and much more personal. “But I haven’t had the guts to apply for academy so I”m doing my generals until I decide.” 

“I hear you on that,” TK agreed as he shovelled in the last few bites of breakfast. “I’m doing generals because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. At least you have something in mind. My mom has a crazy idea that I go into law of all things.”

“I can’t see you doing that,” Carlos said instantly while shaking his head. “Let me guess, that’s what your mom does?”

“She’s one of the best,” TK affirmed. “She’s a prosecutor in Manhattan and she’s travelling all over for her job these days. She’s definitely career focused.” His phone pinged and TK grinned to see Paul’s name flash across his screen. Paul was his closest friend since freshman year of high school and one of the best friends he could imagine having. He probably knew far too much, but TK was used to that by now. “Thanks for breakfast Carlos. It was delicious as always. I gotta run and catch up with my friend Paul. I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Bye TK,” Carlos smiled at him and as usual he felt his stomach flip at the sight but he did his best to push it aside as he scooped up his bag and grabbed his wallet and keys. Paul had perfect timing to convince him to show up for a class he most definitely would have skipped today.

“Hey man,” TK greeted his best friend as he met up with him on the sidewalk. Paul was sipping on a tall cup of coffee with a second one in hand presumably for him, but he sputtered the moment he saw him and it was only by good luck he didn’t end up spitting coffee everywhere. 

“Dude, have you looked in a mirror this morning?” Paul asked him after he finished coughing. 

“I mean I didn’t get all that much beauty sleep last night.” TK replied with a slight laugh. “I thought you loved me no matter what I looked like. What do I have bags under my eyes or something?”

“You have three hickeys that I can see,” Paul shook his head and TK made to pull down his sleeves. “I already saw the bruises on your wrists. What the hell were you doing last night?”

“The guy I hooked up with was a little rough,” TK blushed as he took the second coffee and took a generous sip of perfection. Paul fell silent as they started to walk toward campus to presumably meet up with Marjan and Mateo. “What, you have a problem with a guy using grindr?”

“You know exactly what I have a problem with,” Paul answered as they fell into step easily together. “That isn’t what you like or what you need. I know Alex did a number on you, but lending yourself out to those kinds of men isn’t going to make the pain disappear.”

“Nothing else seems to do the trick,” TK grumbled, deliberately not looking at his best friend. “It’s better than what I was doing.”

“It’s damaging and you could still end up in some real trouble.” Paul glanced his way before sighing. “You need to find something that helps that’s healthy for you. Running is good or journaling or yoga or even just calling me next time?”

“Yeah, okay, I’ll try that.” TK knew he wouldn’t call Paul if he was really that bad off. He couldn’t let his friends see how dark things got sometimes. Ever since Alex had thrown the engagement ring back in his face with the knowledge he’d been cheating on TK for months he had felt like he was drowning in a pain he couldn’t hope to cope with. He felt like he was suffocating in feelings of never being enough for anyone. He wasn’t enough for his dad to stick around more even after he took eight pills in the basement which the paramedics called an overdose. He wasn’t enough for his mom to stick around at all. He wasn’t enough for Alex to commit to. He wasn’t even enough for himself most of the time to care about or love, so how could he expect it from anyone else?

“TK, I know it’s been a rough summer-” Paul started but right now TK couldn’t handle a heart to heart about how his summer had gone. He couldn’t handle talking about his dad or his ex or anything else. He knew exactly what he was good for and it wasn’t much. He didn’t need to talk about any of it. He just needed to forget about all of it for the rest of eternity and he would be just fine. 

“Paul got him out of bed!” Marjan’s voice had never sounded so sweet as it did at that moment. “It’s some kind of miracle!”

“That implies I went to sleep,” TK snarked back at her as she hugged him. “Plus if I get up I have my hot roommate make me food.”

“Pining after straight dudes isn’t classy,” Marjan smacked his shoulder while rolling her eyes. 

“Jury is still out on that one,” TK argued as he slung an arm over her shoulders and walked with her toward the math building so they had a chance of being on time. 

“He’s taken is her point,” Paul added as he stepped up on TK’s opposite side. “But I guess I’m glad someone is feeding you.”

“Nothing wrong with doordash,” TK shrugged as he finished his coffee and dunked it into the nearest trash can. “I call sitting with Mateo so I don’t fail this class.”

“He’s too nice to you,” Marjan stuck her tongue out at him but sat behind him so he could sit next to Mateo who was the smartest kid he knew at math. 

“I return the favor in English,” TK assured her as he clapped Mateo on the shoulder happily. “Hey Chavez!”

“Oh wow, you’re actually here,” Mateo said as he looked up from his phone to smile back at him. “I’m shocked.”

“Paul lured me here with coffee.” TK pulled out his book and notebook lazily before pillowing his arms and laying his head down. “Coffee still needs to kick in.”

“Try not to sleep through the entire thing maybe?” Paul sighed behind him before the professor came in to start their class. 

~~~~~~

A firehouse was always a busy place. There was always cleaning to do or cooking meals or checking on the equipment between calls. People were always on the move and whenever TK visited he felt like he was perpetually in the way. He mostly felt that way about both of his parents as well. They both were so involved in their careers and he was convinced he must have been a mistake for them. There was no way they planned to have a kid when they were so involved in demanding careers. He had never been meant to be born at all and sometimes he wondered if it would have been better that way. 

He made his way through the house, nodding at the firefighters he had known for years by now. He was a familiar sight by now so nobody stopped him on his way to his dad’s office. He had gotten a text to come by a few hours ago while he was in his last class. He should have been pleased to get a message from his dad, but he had a feeling this wasn’t going to mean anything good. 

“TK!” His dad greeted him happily as he spotted him through the glass walls. “You did get my text!”

“I was in class.” TK let his dad bring him into a hug and he forced himself to let go after a moment instead of lingering the way he wanted to. “Then I got caught up with my friends before heading over here.”   
  


“Can I buy you dinner?” His dad offered with a squeeze to the back of the neck. “I see you less now than ever now that you’ve moved out on your own. How are things with your roommate?”

“He can cook,” TK said with a grin. “I get real food on a regular basis. Honestly he’s pretty great, but he’s really quiet. He keeps to himself a lot so we get along great. He isn’t home a whole lot between basketball and Iris keeping him busy.”

“There goes my hope that you would learn to cook.” Owen led himi out to the trucks and TK didn’t hesitate to climb up on one and get comfortable. This is where they nearly always came to talk when he was here. His office didn’t lend that much privacy between having glass walls and being in the middle of everything. They bickered good naturedly over what to order for dinner for a few minutes before silence fell between them. They were close, but TK didn’t know what to say after his dad had found him in the basement with pills spilled next to him on the floor. They hadn’t talked about it since leaving the hospital and TK had been shocked his dad had still let him move out before classes started. 

“So, you wanna tell me how you’re really doing?” Owen asked softly after their dinner order was put in and things were quiet around them. TK fiddled with the string on his hoodie and tried not to think about just how much of a miracle it was he got out of bed today. He tried not to think about the five men he’d slept with this week to avoid thinking about just how he was doing. He swallowed down the lump in his throat as he thought of how his dad would be so disappointed in him. He didn’t know how else to cope with Alex leaving right after his second mother walked out of their lives only a few months ago. “TK, son, you can talk to me.”

“Only on top of a firetruck,” TK muttered bitterly even if his bitter feelings might be slightly misplaced a little.

“We can go wherever you want.” His dad just kept looking at him with those kind eyes and TK wanted to push him as far away as he could. He didn’t deserve the kindness. He was a fuck up and everyone knew it. What kind of kid had two mothers just walk out without looking back? What kind of son whored himself out to men just to keep from thinking at night? 

“I’m fine.” It was far from the truth, but TK didn’t know how to create a lie any more elaborate than that. He missed the pills almost as much as he missed Alex. He missed the escape and the way nothing had to matter so much. He didn’t have to think about how much he hated existing when he had a pill to make it all go away. 

“I’m not buying that for a second. I can start asking the questions we both know I should.” His dad was losing patience and TK prayed for that alarm to go off and save him from this. “When did you start using pills? Where did you get them from? Have you stopped using?”

“The overdose was a month ago and now you ask?” TK couldn’t help but ask snidely. “It took you a month to care about if I’m still taking pills?”

“I believed you when you said you wouldn’t do it again,” His dad said quietly and TK hated the look in his eyes of sadness and disappointment. “I wanted to give you some time before I brought it up. Did Alex know about the drugs? Did he get you into them?”

“Don’t fucking worry about Alex,” TK nearly choked on that name and he hated the way it made tears burn in his eyes. He felt his chest tighten and knew this conversation wasn’t going to end well. 

“He’s your boyfriend and who you spend most of your time with,” His dad lectured with a frown. TK hadn’t had the courage to tell his dad about his failed proposal to Alex. He hadn’t wanted to tell him Alex had been cheating or that he didn’t know how to deal with that. “Of course I’m going to worry about that. I want to know what possessed you to take drugs. You know that’s wrong TK. You’re the one of us that goes to church on a regular basis so I don’t need to lecture you on right and wrong.”

“I don’t even fucking go to church thanks to your bitch of an ex-wife,” TK said forcefully as panic threatened to overwhelm him. He needed a pill and he needed it now. He couldn’t talk about this with his dad or anyone else. He didn’t want to think about Lauren telling the pastor and everyone in their church he was gay. He just didn’t want to think at all anymore. 

“Lauren was wrong,” His dad agreed and TK hated how gentle his tone still was. He wanted his dad to get angry. He wanted to feel that fury and disappointment. He wanted to feel something even if it was negative. 

“You can’t just take the summer off of dad duty and then think you can pick up where you left off.” TK said angrily and god the anger felt so much better than the helpless despair that consumed him when he heard Alex’s name. 

“I had a guy who had just lost his wife and son. He needed me to be there for him and get him on his feet again.” His dad explained patiently. It was perfectly valid and important, but TK was so tired of the excuses. He was so sick and tired of the firehouse coming first no matter what. Some days he understood why his mother simply walked away. 

“Why don’t you just worry about your ‘fire family’ and let me deal with my shit by myself?” TK stood up and made to climb down before his dad grabbed his wrist. 

“TK I’m trying and I’m sorry it’s been a lousy summer. You’ve barely spoken to me since Lauren left.” 

“I need to go,” TK said instead of attempting to explain his guilt at making his dad unhappy yet again. He had been the reason the sadness was back in his dad’s eyes as Lauren packed her things and left them. He had been caught with Alex on his bed and at the time he hadn’t cared. Nobody had mattered to him more than Alex. Lauren had been disgusted by him and his behaviour so she had wasted no time telling the entire church about what she had found. TK had been told in no uncertain terms to not come back and worship with them. He hadn’t been going as much as he had when he had been growing up, but it was something he still shared with his mom and therefore it had meant a lot. It was a connection to her he had lost, but it had been okay with Alex holding his hand. He had truly thought their love could get him through any amount of heartbreak from the outside world. His entire world had been about Alex, and that world had shattered only a month ago. 

“TK, please, don’t go. I need you to talk to me.” His dad pleaded with him as TK wrenched his wrist away and climbed as quickly as he could down the side of the truck. 

“I’m fine dad, and you can have my dinner for leftovers. I need to go and do homework for tomorrow. I don’t want to talk about the summer.” He stalked away as quickly as he could with his dad calling after him. 

~~~~

He never heard his bedroom door open.

TK was buried under his covers with two fans creating enough white noise to block out his sobs. He wouldn’t let himself have pills no matter how much he wanted them. He knew drugs were the way to lose what little he had left to hold onto in his life. He couldn’t let his dad down again even if his dad was probably pissed at him now. He didn’t know how to talk and whenever he tried it ended up exactly like this. 

“TK? Are you okay?” Carlos’s soft voice was barely heard over the fans and TK froze in panic. He had finished off what was left of the rum left behind by the guy from last night so he wasn’t exactly sober which meant he had very little filter right now. He was shirtless with hickeys and bruises covering him in a way he wasn’t at all proud of. Carlos was the only person who didn’t know how messed up he was and TK really had wanted to keep it that way. 

“I’m fine.” He said that far too much for someone who wasn’t fine in any way or even close to it. He knew his voice was wobbly and hoarse from sobs. 

“Do you want to come out and have some food?” Carlos asked him and his voice was closer this time than it had been before. He wanted to snap and drive Carlos away like he had with his dad earlier but he didn’t have the heart to snap at someone so kind. 

“I’m not hungry.” He wasn’t sure how Carlos even heard him over the white noise and the muffle of his covers. He didn’t know why Carlos even cared this much about him. 

“Can I turn off the fans?” Carlos asked. “It’s freezing in here and I can hardly hear you.”

“Go ahead.” TK ran both his hands over his face a few times and hoped he wiped away all the stray tears. He couldn’t be the freak hiding in his room forever and he knew he’d been in here for hours by now. Carlos didn't seem like the type to pry too much and he could probably use the company instead of drowning in his thoughts. 

The silence was painful after both fans were turned off and Carlos turned to face him. TK fumbled for a shirt next to his bed but judging by the harsh intake of breath he heard he hadn’t been quick enough to cover up the damage to his body. 

“I was thinking of turning on a Disney movie, want to join me?” Carlos said in lieu of asking questions. TK knew he looked like death right now and the fact that Carlos wasn’t going to ask him what was wrong or look at him in disgust meant everything. 

“Sounds good.” TK agreed as he shuffled after Carlos to their couch to collapse on one end. Carlos dug out three or four blankets to bring over to the couch before he turned on the Lion King. It just so happened to be one of TK’s favorites and the blankets were large and soft enough to cuddle up with. He loved the way Carlos softly sang along to every song and his voice was just as smooth and delicious in song as it was when he spoke. 

Somehow he had forgotten just how much Mufasa’s death always got to him. 

He had been close to losing his dad more than once over the years and the fear was something he had grown up with his entire life. He had seen his dad in the hospital a handful of times and every time it scared him to death. He had had nightmares about it when he had been younger and the scene of Simba losing his dad always hit him particularly hard. Normally when he watched this movie with other people he could swallow down the lump in his throat and blink a few dozen times to make the tears go away. 

The alcohol made sure that wasn’t the case this time. 

He felt raw and vulnerable already after the conversation with his dad and not to mention he felt guilt for pushing him away so hard. It honestly wasn’t his dad’s fault for having a big heart and caring about his team. TK had never doubted a day in his life that his dad loved him even if he wanted to be a bitter child sometimes and demand all of his attention. He felt the sobs bubbling up again before he could hope to stop them as Simba called for his dad to wake up. He knew that level of desperation in Simba’s voice all too well even if not in that situation thank God. 

“Oh TK,” Carlos said as he pushed pause on the movie and TK wanted to disappear completely. He was humiliated to be crying this hard over an animated movie about lions. The tears hadn’t stopped since he had gotten home today and he wasn’t sure if they ever would. 

“I’m sorry,” TK apologized as best he could between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t,” Carlos kept his voice soft as he sat up on the couch and scooted closer. “You don’t have to apologize. I wish I could help you.”

“I don’t think anybody can help,” TK said miserably before he realized how morose and self absorbed that probably sounded. Everyone had their share of shit to deal with in life and he had no right to think he was different. 

“Can I give you a hug?” Carlos seemed completely lost on what to do and TK should really refuse but a hug honestly sounded amazing right now and he’d been staring at Carlos’s arms nearly every single day. He had the kind of arms that were bound to make you feel safe. He was vulnerable and lonely and just so damn sad all of the time. 

TK nodded and let himself be held by Carlos’s strong arms.

Carlos’s hand rubbed circles on his back as he tried to stop the tears flowing over his cheeks. He had his head pressed against Carlos’s shoulder and he resisted the urge to bury a fist in Carlos’s shirt the way he did to his dad when he had been younger. 

“What has you feeling so awful?” Carlos asked him and unlike everyone else who had tried to ask him how he was feeling, the question from Carlos didn’t annoy him or make him want to run the other direction. He wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened this summer, but he could tell him something. 

“I had...well it wasn’t even a fight,” TK started as he wiped his eyes yet again and let his head rest on Carlos’s shoulder. “I was an asshole to my dad for absolutely no reason. He invited me to the station to have dinner and I kind of lost it on him.”

“I’m sure he’ll forgive you. That’s what dads do for the most part. He seems like a good dad to have around.” Carlos brought a hand up to stroke the back of his neck and TK could have melted into his touch. “At least that’s how it’s supposed to be. My dad left us a few months ago which is why we moved to New York.”

“That’s really awful,” TK glanced up at him to see Carlos’s jaw tense and avoiding eye contact. He took a deep breath and decided he could let out a bit of his darkness if Carlos was willing to share something so personal. “I’ve had two moms leave. My mom left when I was nine and my step-mom left only a few months ago. I know how much that hurts when a parent just leaves you behind.”

“It was my fault,” Carlos’s voice was tight and for a horrific moment TK was worried he would start crying as well. “At least it feels like my fault. He left after I came out and revealed he had been seeing someone else.”

“My step-mom left after catching a boy in my bed with my tongue down his throat.” TK grinned wryly before heaving a deep sigh. “She freaked out and told the church. The priest told me not to bother coming back to worship there.”

“What a prick!” Carlos exclaimed as his arms tightened around him just a bit. “God doesn’t love you any less based on who you love. He had no right at all to do that. I saw you wearing a cross, but I wasn’t sure if I should mention it.”

“I’m bitter over Lauren leaving and I’m taking it out on my dad who has been nothing but loving and loyal to me always. I’m blaming him for things that aren’t his fault. I only see him every few days as it is so it’s awful wasting one of the times I do get to see him.” TK sighed and as much he wanted to snuggle closer to Carlos’s warm, broad chest he forced himself to pull away now that the worst of his sobs were over. 

“You’re human TK, and we all lash out from time to time,” Carlos rested a hand on his knee in comfort as his thumb brushed back and forth comfortingly. “He’s going to understand. Don’t work yourself up about it too much. A sincere apology nearly always goes a long way as my mom always says when I screw something up.”

“Your mom has some wise words there Carlos,” A new voice broke into their quiet moment and TK was thrilled to see his dad standing there with a container of food in one hand and his spare key in the other. 

“Oh, um, my dad might have a spare key to my place,” TK said as he turned to look at Carlos with a sheepish expression. Carlos simply laughed a little.

“My mami has one as well. I guess we think alike.” Carlos smiled and stood up to give the two of them some privacy. “I’m heading to bed. See you in the morning TK.”

“Night Carlos.” TK raised his hand in a short wave as his roommate disappeared into his room and shut the door. 

“Lion King?” His dad questioned as he took Carlos’s seat on the couch. “Not really what I imagined two young men watching their freshman year of college.”

“I might have gotten a bit emotional over Mufasa again,” TK knew his dad knew better than anyone when he had been crying. “Carlos was nice enough not to tease me about it.”

“He really seems like a good kid,” His dad agreed. He set the container of food down on the coffee table and turned toward him. “It looks like my kid could use a hug about now.”

TK wasted no time in taking his dad up on the offer of one of his hugs. He tucked his face into his dad’s chest and let the familiarity make him feel just a little bit better. No matter what happened and who stayed or who left he always had his dad on his side. “I’m sorry I lashed out at you. That wasn’t fair and it had very little to do with you.”

“What else are dads for?” Owen joked with a kiss to the top of his head. “You were forgiven before you even left. I brought your food we ordered so you can have it later. I’m sorry Lauren left. I’m sorry you’ve had a lousy summer. I’m here for you through all of it, alright kiddo? I’m never going anywhere.”

“Alex cheated on me,” TK confessed in his dad’s arms where nothing could possibly hurt him. The words still make his eyes sting but he could keep the tears back this time. “I asked him to marry me and he told me he had been with someone else for a few months.”

“My little boy proposed?” Owen asked and TK could hear the shock in his voice. “I didn’t like Alex. I didn’t think he was good for you. I’m so sorry baby that he did that to you, I truly am. You deserve so much better.”

“Thanks dad,” TK snuggled closer and sighed when his dad held him snugly.

“So that must have prompted what else happened this summer.” His dad concluded after a few minutes of contemplative silence. “That makes that picture a lot more clear.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” TK said quietly.

“I’m sorry you carried all that pain on your own.” His dad kissed his forehead as he squeezed him tightly. “I’m here, okay? I’m always here.”

“I know Dad,” TK yawned widely as the exhaustion of his sobs earlier caught up to him. 

“Humor me and let me tuck you in one last time?” His dad eased him out of his arms before pulling him to his feet. TK knew he should be acting like an adult now that didn’t need his dad to tuck him in at night and check for monsters under the bed. The monsters had already been out to get him, however, so having his dad tuck the blankets around him sounded like the perfect solution to an awful day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy a look into Carlos's pain and his life. We have some Judd and Grace time and I"m not great at writing them but I'm glad to have them around!! Thank you for your comments and reviews! They mean the world to me!!

“Give me a C!” The cheer rang out the minute he left the locker room after showering and changing into his street clothes. He tried not to grin as his girlfriend waited for him on the lawn under a pair of trees. She was still in her uniform and Carlos could very much appreciate the way she looked in that skirt. She grinned brightly at him with a twinkle in her brown eyes. “Give me an A!”

“You’re ridiculous,” Carlos said while shaking his head, but failing to hide a grin as he felt his heart swell just looking at her sweet, happy face. 

“Give me an R, L, O, and S! Carlos!” She finished the cheer by dipping into the splits and shaking her poms in the air before dissolving into laughter. 

“I get my own personal cheerleader. Quite the honor for a freshman.” Carlos reached her just as she got back on her feet and pulled her into his arms. 

“I saw that impressive basket you made at the end of practice,” Iris twined her arms around his neck to kiss him slowly. “It was pretty sexy.”

“That turns you on? The swish of making a basket? I didn’t know you were such a fan.” Carlos smiled into her kiss. “You didn’t have to wait for me.”

“I’ve hardly seen you in a couple of days.” Iris linked their arms as they slowly walked off of campus. “Plus I thought the probability of convincing you to buy me ice cream was pretty high. We have to get some for Michelle too since she got stood up for a date this week and is pretty bummed about it.”

“She deserves better.” Carlos didn’t even bother to pretend like he wouldn’t buy her something as simple as ice cream. “Good thing you don’t have one of those douchebag guys.”

“Nah I got myself a real sweetheart.” Iris hugged his arm to her tightly. “So, how are things with Strand? Is he ever home?”

“He’s home quite a lot. He’s… well, let’s just say I’m going to grab him some ice cream as well.” He held open the door for her and appreciated the view as she sauntered through with her hips swaying. The shop was empty this late at night and the display case of flavors looked delicious. He let Iris hum and haw over what flavor to get for at least ten minutes before she could make a choice she was happy with before picking something out for her sister. Carlos picked out cookies and cream for TK and hoped he would like it. He still had no idea what exactly had TK so down, but there was no denying that the other man needed a healthy dose of sugar in his system. At least he found someone who could relate to the feeling after a parent left since most days Carlos still struggled with the idea. He tried to distract himself with classes, sports, and his girlfriend but when he let himself have a moment alone the feelings of not being enough crept up to haunt him. Iris was helping him with seeing a brighter side of things so he was grateful to her for being so full of life and reminding him of the better parts. 

“You’re quiet baby,” Iris said to him on the way home. She squeezed his hand softly and her brown eyes were open and concerned. “Are you okay? Do you mind picking up ice cream?”

“Ice cream is a perfect idea,” Carlos squeezed her hand back and felt bad he had made her worry. “Sorry I get lost in my thoughts sometimes.”

“You don’t talk about home much.” She looked over at him again. “I’ve never been outside of New York unless you count the Canada side of Niagara Falls. I think it’d be cool to travel somewhere else. Is everything really bigger in Texas?”

He wanted this to be an easy conversation. She was trying to be nice and ask about his life before he met her, but talking about Texas was painful. He missed his friends and the Texas heat and the familiarity of home. He missed his dad even if that bastard had a new girlfriend taking up all of his time. He missed when life was simple for his family and his sisters didn’t cry so much. He hated being the man of the house now and having to worry about his mother so much. He felt like a mantle was dumped on him and he was struggling under the weight. 

“Home is good, but I’m trying to focus on the here and now.” Carlos said evasively as he looked away. He hadn’t really been open with her about why he had moved to New York yet. 

“Are you coming inside?” Iris asked as they reached the front of the house she shared with her family. He should go inside with her, but thinking about home really brought down his mood and honestly all he wanted was to go home and drown himself in ice cream. 

“I’m going to head home actually,” He kissed her cheek in apology at her sad eyes. “I'm tired from practice and I have an early class. Tell Michelle I hope the ice cream helps and that she can find better. I’ll take you for dinner this Friday?”

“Fair enough,” She agreed as she kissed him briefly before waving and heading inside. He made sure she got inside safely before turning to walk home. 

He realized on the way that he probably should have just stayed with Iris instead of coming home to have a pity party for himself. He hadn’t spoken much to any of his friends back home because it was painful and he still hadn’t told anyone why he left. TK was the only person outside of his family who knew why they had uprooted their lives so suddenly. He felt like TK was the only person he knew who could handle this darkness inside of him that he couldn’t seem to shake. 

“I’m home,” Carlos called as he pushed open their front door and entered the dark apartment. He dropped his keys on the coffee table and went through to the kitchen. “I have a present for you!” 

“You’re too kind,” TK said dryly as he emerged from his room. Carlos was glad to see he looked a little better than yesterday and he was also grateful no grindr date had appeared tonight. He knew it wasn’t his business, but it was a tad awkward in their small space. TK tried to look indifferent but Carlos fought a smile as he noticed his roommate eyeing the bag. “Do you really though?”

“I got you some ice cream,” Carlos said laughing as he brought out the pint he had picked up. He fished out a spoon and held both out to the other man. “Wanna talk and eat our feelings away?”

“God, I wish that was all it would take,” TK sighed as he took the spoon and tore the lid off. “It’s a damn good start though. Maybe let’s not watch a movie to make me cry tonight.”

“Lion King makes tons of people cry,” Carlos told him as he opened his own container of ice cream and followed TK to the couch. “Can I ask you something?”

“As long as I have this goodness, ask away,” TK made an obscene noise as he slowly sucked the ice cream off his spoon. Carlos wished he could say it was the first he had heard such a noise coming from his roommate. 

“How did you learn to deal with all this… emotional bullshit after your mom left?” Carlos knew it was a sensitive topic, but he also had to know how to make this awful emptiness go away. He didn’t know who else to ask. 

“It sounds like a cliche, but it really does take time,” TK said after a few more bites of ice cream. “I don’t have the answers, not really. It sucks and you’ll probably never really forgive your dad for doing it. I don’t talk to my mom much because I still get so damn angry. It hurts and some days it doesn’t hurt as much. Did your dad have some other secret family or something?”

“He’d been seeing someone else, yeah,” Carlos felt a knot form in his stomach as he thought about the instagram posts he’d been seeing over the last month. “He’s all over social media with her and it feels like we never existed.”

“Cheaters should rot in hell,” TK said vehemently with a frown as he stabbed his spoon into his frozen treat. “I don’t get cheating. It doesn’t take that much effort to just tell someone you’re leaving instead of two-timing them. Cheating is cowardly and pathetic.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Carlos nodded to him as he dug out a particularly large piece of cookie dough from his ice cream. “Sorry to bring up that stuff. I just… I guess I don’t know how to deal with everything.”

“You’re doing a hell of a lot better than me,” TK laughed hollowly and looked so sad that Carlos really did regret bringing it up. “Do sports help, like, at all?”

“It helps me focus on something else so I guess it helps,” Carlos shrugged. “Why, thinking of taking up a sport?”

“Paul is on me about running or some shit,” TK rolled his eyes and set down his container of ice cream that was mostly gone. “He thinks that will help me not use….grindr.”

“Ah,” Carlos took one last bite of ice cream and pushed it away before he finished it all in one sitting. Though he still might. “I can’t say I’d imagine running is better than sex.”

TK laughed loudly and Carlos felt something at the way his head tilted back and his adam’s apple was exposed. “Glad to know he’s as full of it as I thought. You sleeping with Blake?”

“Iris?” Carlos blinked a few times at the sudden shift in topic. “Um, no, we haven’t gotten there. I haven’t actually slept with anyone yet.”

“Here I am bringing the vultures of New York around a virgin,” TK shook his head and scratched at the back of his neck. “I am the worst. Since we’re around the topic, what team do you bat for?”

Carlos felt his face heat up as he felt a brief wave of panic to come out to the first person in New York. “Um, both. I’m bisexual.”

“Cool I figured it was that since you mentioned your dad left after coming out. I’m as gay as they come. I’m sorry you didn’t move in time for Pride. It’s something else here in New York.”

“I’ve never been to Pride,” Carlos admitted and suddenly felt completely out of place and out of his depth. TK was obviously out and proud while he was barely out at all. “I wasn’t out back home. I told my family and that didn’t end all that well. My dad left the next day and nobody has spoken a word about it since. I haven’t had the guts to bring it up with my mom or my sisters. Nobody else knows except for you.”

TK’s expression softened and his green eyes were earnest as he was the one to extend a hand to rest on Carlos’s arm in comfort. “I’m proud of you for telling a complete stranger you hardly know. Coming out never gets easier and it’s always a bit terrifying. I support you completely and I’m here for whatever you need.”

A lump of emotion formed in his throat and they really couldn’t make a habit of crying on this damn couch. “Thanks TK, that means a lot. It’s a bit easier to tell you since I know you’re a part of the same community. Texas isn’t exactly all about LGBT pride very much.”

“Your dad didn’t leave because of you,” TK continued and his soft words did make a tear roll down his cheek at some of his worst thoughts spoken aloud. “He left because he’s a cheating dick. You probably just picked awful timing that you didn’t know about. You gotta let go of the guilt you don’t deserve. It’s bad enough to deal with what he did without the extra burden.”

Carlos couldn’t find the words to thank TK for his words of comfort and support in a time where he felt so, so alone. He was silent as he brought TK in for a tight hug and ignored the way his stomach flipped when TK’s warm hands were on his lower back. 

He was so glad he had met TK Strand. 

~~~~

Saturday morning brought a knock to their door much earlier than acceptable. Carlos groaned aloud at the loss of the one day he actually let himself sleep in. He laid there praying that whoever it was would gain some sense and go away to leave them to sleep, but when the second round of knocking came he knew he would have to see who it was. He didn’t trust TK to hear the door with his fan going and plus his roommate really did sleep like the dead. He quickly put some pants on before shuffling out of his room to open the door. 

He didn’t expect to see his sister on his doorstep.

He spotted Jayda pacing outside his door and looking a mix of furious and heartbroken. He could see tear tracks on her cheeks and knew something bad had happened. Jayda wasn’t one prone to tears and she rarely went anywhere without Maya. He hadn’t seen her this upset since the day they had taken Maya to the hospital a few months ago. 

“What’s happened?” Carlos asked the pair of them as dread pooled in his stomach. “Does Mami know you’re here?”

“Our father is dead to me,” Jayda said viciously as she turned to him. Her words may have sounded angry but Carlos could see the hurt in her eyes. “He is an asshole who deserves to rot in hell.”

“I know it’s awful that he left-” Carlos began, but he was cut off by Jayda once again who wasn’t done with her tirade.

“Not only did he leave!” She pulled out her phone and angrily tapped the screen a few times. “He tells Maya not to speak to him again and replaces his entire family with some bitch he bought a diamond for! He’s been gone barely two months and he thinks it’s okay to post his engagement photos along with the news he knocked her up? He knows damn well we all follow him and can see what he posts, but did he think to even tell us privately? Did he think to call us at all? Look at this shit, hermano.”

Carlos took her phone between numb fingers as he gestured for her to come inside. He gazed down to see his father in a myriad of pictures where he looked happier than he had in months. He was with some younger woman hanging on his arm and looking at him like he had hung the moon just for her. The caption did say they were engaged and that they were expecting a little one. His father truly had a new family and didn’t want anything more to do with any of them. He didn’t want his only son in his life. He would just replace him with a new version. 

This was adding salt to an already raw and open wound. 

He had a lump in his throat as his eyes burned fiercely and he had to find something to say to his younger sister who had come to him for comfort and for a way to cope with this. He could fall apart later, but for now he had to be strong for her and help her make some sense of this. 

“Can you believe this? How could he think this was okay? Why would he replace-” Jayda’s rant was cut short as she turned away with her arms folded tightly across her chest. Carlos really didn’t know if he could handle seeing Jayda cry. 

“Does anyone else know? Does Maya know?” Carlos asked her as he tried to wrap his mind around this latest news on top of the fact that his mind was already trying to accept the fact that his father was gone and was never coming back by choice. 

“How do you want me to tell Maya?” Jayda demanded with her eyes bright and her face flushed. “Let me tell my sister that tried to commit suicide a couple months ago that her father wants nothing more to do with her! Do you know he texted her last night and told her not to text him anymore? He couldn’t even let his daughter text him. I have to be the one to tell them because Maya deleted most of her social media accounts after everything that happened last year and Mami doesn’t use anything like that. Mami still cries when she thinks the rest of us are asleep and Maya cried for hours last night after she got that message. I woke up to that post this morning and it was just too much. I can’t do all of this alone, Carlos! I can’t act like I don’t care and like I’m not fucking torn apart inside.”

“You aren’t alone, baby,” Carlos told her as he stood to take her in his arms and hold her to him. Her thin arms wrapped around his waist as she buried her face in his chest to sob quietly. Carlos didn’t know she was holding so much on her own and that she felt so responsible for holding their family together. “I’m here, okay? You aren’t alone and I will help you with all of it. Shh, baby it’ll be okay.”

“Six months ago I had a dream he died,” Jayda said hoarsely, clinging to him like he was her last lifeline. “I remember running to him and hugging him for ages. He just kept promising he w-wasn’t going a-anywhere.” Sobs shook her all over again and listening to her cry while feeling helpless was some kind of torture Carlos was sure. He couldn’t fix this or even make it less awful. All he could do was hold her through her tears and prayed it got easier for them eventually. “This is so much worse than that dream, hermano.” 

Carlos sat down on the couch and pulled her to sit next to him as he held both of her hands tightly. “I don’t know why Papi left. I don’t understand how he could choose a new life over the one he already had. I know it wasn’t because of anything you did Jay, okay? This isn’t anyone’s fault except for Papi’s. I love you so much and I am always going to be here for you. I know it doesn’t make up for what we lost, but we have to hold onto each other as tight as we can, alright? We have each other and we always will. He lost more than he’ll ever know.” 

“Sorry I came over here to cry all over your couch,” Jayda wiped at her eyes with one hand while the other clung to him tightly. “Nobody even knows that I left. I had to get out of there and talk to somebody. Thanks Carlos, for being there.”

“Forever,” Carlos promised her with a kiss to her cheek and pulled out his own phone. “I’m going to let Mami know where you are so she doesn’t worry.”

“How are we going to tell Mami and Maya?” Jayda asked him and Carlos could see her mind was running miles ahead of the moment they were in now. “Not to mention if we even tell anything to Sofia yet. She’s the only one that seems to be adjusting okay to all of this.”

“Deep breath,” Carlos told her gently as he kept her hand in his for as long as she needed., running his thumb over the back of her knuckles “We can tell them tomorrow after dinner. I will be there and I will be the one to tell them what’s going on. You don’t have to worry about any of that. Sofia might be better off not knowing for now, but we can decide that later.”

“What if Maya can’t handle this?” A few tears slipped out at the question and Jayda quickly looked down at her lap. Carlos knew she endlessly worried about her twin sister after what had happened. Carlos had been the one to hold her for hours the night Maya was admitted to the hospital for some help. It had hit them all hard, but Jayda had definitely suffered the most. 

“Maya is in a much better place,” Carlos tucked some hair behind her ear and tried to keep his voice as low and soothing as possible. “She is on the right medications and she has us around her all the time. She was pretty scared herself when all of that happened and I think she will talk to us if it ever gets close to being that bad again. We have to trust her again to handle her emotions in a safe way. She’s been talking with a therapist and it’s helped.”

“She isn’t anymore,” Jayda fiddled with his sleeve as she talked. “Mami hasn’t found anyone she can afford here yet. Maya is just so quiet all the time and I’m worried about her. I can’t lose her too.” She bit her lip and this time Carlos wiped away her tears as they fell. 

“We aren’t going to let that happen. I text Maya almost daily and I know you check in with her too. She’s going to be okay. Like I said, we have each other through all of this “ He pulled her into a hug and stroked her hair while she calmed down again and he wished he could do more to put her fears to rest. This was far too much for a fifteen year old to worry about. 

He heard TK’s door open and swiftly spoke up. “TK, we have visitors!”

“Pants would be required then,” TK mumbled to himself as the door closed most of the way and Carlos heard him curse as he stubbed his toe the way he always did on the corner of his desk in the mornings. He rolled his eyes and tried to fight a fond smile. 

“Our guest is underage!” He called, not ready for his sister to see TK shirtless even if she had declared him a douchebag the last time they had seen one another. 

“Shirt too, got it,” TK sounded a bit more awake and Jayda giggled weakly against him at their antics. He stumbled out of his room a few moments later to see them on the couch and his face held a look Carlos couldn’t place. It was something close to sympathy, but it held something else Carlos couldn’t place. 

“I’ll make some tea for everyone,” TK offered with a thumb over his shoulder toward the kitchen. “Everyone wants sugar?”

“Yes, please,” Jayda said as she cuddled closer to him and got comfy against him. Carlos rubbed her back softly and was glad she seemed calmer than she was when she got there. 

“I’m sorry you have to worry about all of this,” Carlos whispered to her as he rested his cheek on top of her head. 

“I have you so I’ll be okay,” She replied as she squeezed him tight for an extra moment. SHe pulled back from him and this time her eyes were finally dry. She swept her hair up into a bun and took a deep breath. “So, the asshole gringo isn’t so bad after all?”

“He’s pretty great actually,” Carlos glanced toward the kitchen and hoped TK couldn’t burn water. “He has some stuff he’s dealing with the same as me, but he’s really nice most of the time. He keeps to himself a lot, but he’s up for movie nights now and then.”

“So I have to be all nice to him now,” Jayda grumbled, hugging a throw pillow to her chest. 

“I’d appreciate it, chica,” Carlos smiled at her and went to see how TK was getting along and if he even knew where they kept tea. 

“You don’t have to check on me,” TK pouted when he walked in. Carlos shook his head while fighting a smile and opening the opposite cupboard and grabbing the tea from the top shelf. “I would have found it eventually.”

“It’s sweet of you to make tea,” Carlos sighed heavily now that he wasn’t in sight of his sister and tried to keep his mind blank instead of lingering on those pictures. He got down three mugs from the cabinet and leaned against the counter. “Has your mom ever dated since the divorce?”

TK frowned and cast a glance back where his sister was on her phone on the couch. “Um, not so much. I’ve never met a boyfriend of hers anyways. She’s focused on work more than anything else, plus my dad probably scarred her a bit from love. They were high school sweethearts and all that before it fell apart. I’m sure it would be awful if she ever did find someone. Your dad?”

“E-engaged,” Carlos stumbled over the word as his heart lurched painfully. He thought talking would help, but with horror he realized talking might lead to a complete breakdown on his part and that would not be okay with his sister here. 

“Damn, seriously?” TK shook his head but seemed to sense he couldn’t talk about it. “We could take your sister out for the day? There’s a lot of cool museums and stuff to check out if you’re not from here.”

“Good plan,” Carlos could think of nothing better than staying busy today so he wouldn’t have to think. “Be our tour guide?”

“As if I’d let you two lonestar Texans wander around alone,” TK turned off the whistling kettle and headed for his room. “Give me five minutes and our first stop is breakfast!” 

TK may be a bit of a mess, but Carlos was grateful to have him around.

~~~~~~

It started with Iris being sick.

Every Saturday morning the two of them got breakfast together but Carlos woke up to a text stating that his girlfriend was sick in bed and couldn’t make their standing date. Then basketball practice was cancelled because their coach had a family emergency. This would have been fine if TK hadn’t been busy with his dad all day and Carlos barely got to speak to him before he went off to his dad’s house. He was left alone with nothing to do in front of him, and that wasn’t a good thing by any measure.

It had been a week since Jayda had shown up at his door crying and Carlos had made sure he was too busy to even think about that Instagram post or what it meant. He had filled his time with classes, homework, and countless time at his mom’s or with Iris. He fell into bed too exhausted each night to do much more than fall straight to sleep. He had been texting all of his sisters to make sure they were all okay, but today he knew they were with their aunt for the day. He found himself truly alone for the first time since he heard the news.

He took a walk around their section of the city and kept himself occupied wandering in and out of shops for a awhile. New York was definitely full of life and interesting things to see and do at all times. There were no sleepy streets in the city and Carlos missed the quiet of country roads sometimes. He was doing a fantastic job of distracting himself from his own problems and worries until he came back to his building and passed by his downstairs neighbors. 

The smell of chili hit his nose and immediately his heart was in his throat as his eyes burned. His dad loved to cook, which is where Carlos got it from. Chili was a unique thing in Texas and Carlos could tell it wasn’t the traditional chili with tomatoes by the smell of it. His dad had taught him how to make his famous chili recipe when he’d been fifteen and dumped by his first girlfriend. His dad had been the one to put an arm around him and make him feel like life was still worth living even though his heart ached and his mind was clouded with sadness. He had made Carlos laugh endlessly with corny jokes and sarcastic comments. 

He found himself sitting outside his neighbor’s kitchen, their window open to soft music playing and making the smell that much stronger. He pulled his knees up to his chest and bit his lip to stifle his sobs. His dad was really gone and he was never coming back to them. He had found someone else and soon he would have an entire new family like they never existed. He would teach his new son or daughter how to make his famous Texan chili while Carlos was lucky if he would be a memory. TK was right when he said it hadn’t been his fault for his dad to disappear, but he couldn’t help but feel like if he hadn’t announced his sexuality nothing would have changed. He could be in Texas with his friends and his family would be happy in the old house with the tire swing out back and a creek in the back. He knew he couldn’t stop things from changing, but he longed for the way it used to be. 

“You alright?” The deep drawl made Carlos’s heart ache and he thought he’d imagined the accent that sounded like home. He wiped his eyes and blinked a few times to see a tall man in front of him with keys in his hand and obviously 

“I’m so sorry!” Carlos felt his face heat up in humiliation at being caught so vulnerable on someone else’s front porch. How could it possibly look to his neighbor to have him crying underneath his kitchen window. “I didn’t mean to loiter around your window.”

“Kid, I’m not mad,” The man assured him and he looked around for a moment before his eyes focused on him again. “You alone tonight? Where’s that roommate of yours?”

“Oh, um, TK is with his dad. I’m really sorry again. I… I’m going through some tough things and I just got lost in my thoughts and I smelled the chili so-” Carlos began to ramble nervously and wondered how he would get out of this without his neighbor thinking he was crazy. 

“You’re from Texas, right?” The man offered him a hand and Carlos took it slowly as the man helped him to his feet. “I heard, TK you said his name was, mention it. Us Texans have to keep an eye out for one another, yeah?”

“You’re from Texas?” Carlos couldn’t believe his luck and this was proof he wasn’t going crazy imagining an accent. “I grew up in Austin and we moved here about a month ago.”

“Proud member of the Austin Fire Department up until six months ago.” The man puffed out his chest a bit in pride. 

“You were a part of that explosion?” Carlos remembered seeing the explosion at that farm around six months ago on the news and could hardly believe this man had survived it. 

“Uh, yeah it took my whole team, but I made it out of there,” The older man cleared his throat and looked away awkwardly and Carlos sensed he had brought up something he probably shouldn’t have. “I’m sure Grace made enough chili for an army, and we all know up north they don’t make chili like home. Why don’t you come join us?”

“I couldn’t impose on you like that,” Carlos held his hands up and wasn’t sure if his heart could take sitting around a table eating chili with a different family like his own was truly gone. 

“You can’t impose with an invite, kid,” The man clapped him on the shoulder before unlocking his apartment door and guiding Carlos inside. The smell of cornbread baking could now be sensed over the smell of the chili and a home cooked meal sounded absolutely amazing. Sunday dinners were always a highlight of his week for the good food and for the company, but he would never say no to a bonus home cooked meal. 

“Judd, I thought you’d gotten lost from your therapy -- Hello there,” A beautiful dark skinned woman came out wiping her hands on a dish towel and paused to see him standing in the entryway. “Judd mentioned we had younger neighbors in college. I’m Grace. It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Carlos Reyes,” Carlos said with a sheepish grin. “Your husband invited me inside for some Texas chili. Something you can’t exactly find around here.”

“Well you’ve come to the right place,” Grace smiled kindly. 

“Kid’s from Austin,” Judd chimed in as he took off his boots and hung up his jacket. “The least we could do is invite him around for dinner. Can’t let one of our own starve.”

“I’m sure he lives off of Ramen like we did in school,” Grace shook her head and shooed Judd towards the sink to wash his hands. “You boys wash up and I’ll dish up some chili for us. You can tell us all about yourself Carlos.”

It wasn’t long before Judd and Grace started bantering good-naturedly and the atmosphere oddly felt like home. As Carlos slowly sat down at the table it didn’t hurt like he expected it to, but it did feel like a new kind of home that he could find some comfort in. Judd had a laugh that always made you chuckle and he could take jibes as well as he could dish them out. Grace was witty with her humor and Carlos could tell the two of them were very much in love by the way they looked at each other. It was nice not to be the oldest brother or the responsible one looking out for everyone else for a little while. He found he could truly relax with Judd and Grace there, feeling confident they could take care of whatever came up for a little while. 

It was a tiny piece of Austin right in the middle of New York City.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact this chapter has been done for like three months but I was scared to post it I guess....
> 
> Anyways welcome to the chapter where TK makes terrible choices and this chapter was inspired by illicit affairs by the lovely Taylor Swift.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy the chapter and I would love to say another chapter is coming soon but I can't promise that. I do have another Tarlos project I'm probably going to post sooner rather than later.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and leave a comment if you're so inclined. Hope everyone is getting through the holiday season alright and sending you lots of love.

Music pounded from the speaker in the corner and TK sat frozen on the edge of his bed. His phone was resting in his hand with messages on the screen with yet another man he didn’t know. All TK knew about this one was that he was older, old enough that his father would probably have a heart attack if he knew, and that he wanted to treat him to dinner at one of the fanciest hotels downtown. His name was Michael and his eyes were a gorgeous shade of blue and the opposite of the chocolate brown eyes haunting his dreams. He needed to get up and get dressed, but that meant this was really happening and that was slightly terrifying. 

He didn’t go to dinner with his hookups. He was only in it for the distracting sex that made him pass out at the end of it. He didn’t want conversation and a connection over a bottle of wine. He had had that with Alex, that and so much more. He had given Alex his heart and soul before it had been torn apart with the ring he still wore on a chain around his neck. His fingers came up to play with it, knowing he needed to take it off for tonight to avoid questions. It was stupid that he held onto it after months of not so much as texting Alex. Alex was off somewhere with Mitchell, who was everything he couldn’t be, while he was stuck with any man that might give him the time of day to distract him from the pain for a while. He put the ring in the top drawer of his nightstand just as a soft knock came at his door and he glanced to see Carlos leaning in the doorway in a t-shirt that defined his muscles so deliciously and his damp curls flopping over his forehead to make his stomach flip uncomfortably. 

Carlos was just his roommate, and he wasn’t allowed to be anything more. 

“Got big plans tonight?” Carlos asked as he watched him head over to his closet. TK could feel the heat of his gaze and he fought the shiver that wanted to run over him. 

“I have dinner,” TK answered as he scanned his clothes blindly trying not to look over at Carlos. 

“With a date?” Carlos sounded surprised and TK couldn’t blame him. The thought of him dating was pretty shocking after six weeks of non stop hookups. “Where did you meet someone?”

“It isn’t a date,” TK clarified as he got out a black button up and shrugged it on. “He wanted to hook up at a hotel and he offered to buy me some dinner. I’m not stupid enough to turn down the best restaurant in the city. It appears as though he has money or something. I’m not one to oppose being spoiled.”

“You deserve it,” Carlos sounded so sincere and TK tried to stop his stomach from flipping at his words. “You also deserve someone sticking around more than a few hours.”

“I saved my virginity for someone I really loved,” TK was proud of himself for not letting his voice shake. “I thought it mattered too once upon a time, and then the real world taught me it didn’t mean anything. Sex is just a way to enjoy yourself in the end. I’m not ready to get involved with anyone. This is what I want.”

“I was going to invite you to Iris’s house for a movie night with a bunch of people,” Carlos was closer now but TK stubbornly faced his closet. “If you want some company later you’re welcome to come over. I hope you have fun at dinner.” TK waited for his footsteps to go toward the door before they paused. “Oh, and the dark blue looks much better on you.”

The door closed as Carlos left and TK immediately felt an ache he pushed down. He had been avoiding Carlos for the last few weeks as he found his eyes lingering longer and longer on Carlos’s arms and chest and ass and anywhere else rippling with delicious muscle. It had gotten worse since their talk on the couch and TK knew he was into men as well as women. It had opened a door for his fantasies, which would be fine except he knew Carlos could never be a casual hookup. Carlos was much too important to be a hook up. He was a dedicated sort of guy that wanted commitment. TK couldn’t handle that right now and he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted that again. The heartbreak was too much to bear. 

He changed into the dark blue anyways.

He found himself nervous on the cab ride across town and he wiped his slightly sweaty palms on his jeans., Michael was older than any man he had hooked up with before, not to mention he had never had dinner with someone he had met on Grindr. It was probably safer than what he normally did which was go to some apartment to hook up for a couple of hours. None of his friends knew about tonight, and they never would. He wasn’t proud of the way he had been acting. It was so much better than being alone with his thoughts at night. Carlos was a great roommate and he was becoming a great friend as well, but he had to put some distance between them until his stupid crush went away. 

TK paid his cab driver with a generous tip as he faced the gleaming doors of the hotel. Michael had said he had already reserved them a table and that he had arrived about ten minutes ago. All he had to do was walk in there and ask for a Campbell reservation. After that he had no idea where this night was about to lead. He hoped it was enough to drown out not only thoughts of Alex, but also thoughts of the roommate he had inappropriate thoughts about. He ran a hand through his hair nervously as he walked inside and spotted the restaurant to the left. He gave the reservation name and felt relief flood him when the maitre’d led him immediately to an intimate table in the back corner. 

Michael looked even better in person than he did in pictures online.

The first thing he noticed was the chiseled jawline that made him immediately want his lips all over it. He had tan skin and the grin he gave him made him smile back on instinct. Michael stood to greet him with a kiss to the cheek which caused TK to blush as he slipped into the booth, noting the bottle of red wine already on the table. 

“You’re even more beautiful in person TK,” Michael said with an appreciative glance over his body before meeting his gaze. “I’m glad you agreed to have dinner.”

“I’ve honestly never had someone put in this much effort.” TK admitted as Michael poured him a glass of wine. “I’m nineteen, you know that right?”

“Nobody knows that except you and me,” Michael said with a wink as he pushed the glass toward him. “It’s only a glass of wine to kill the nerves. You’ve never had alcohol?”

TK stared at the glass of dark liquid with a little voice in his head telling him it was a bad idea to touch the stuff again after his overdose. He had had a few remnants at the bottom of bottles people had left at his place, but he knew each and every time that he was asking for his life to fall apart. That this glass was a one way ticket down a slippery slope he had told himself he wouldn’t go down again. Then again, staying on the clean path hadn’t brought him happiness. He would just have a glass of wine, that was it. “I’ve had my fair share.”

“Have a glass with me,” Michael implored with a small smile. “I have big plans for us tonight.”

“Okay,” TK gave into the desire to take the edge off his nerves and picked up the glass slowly. He had no idea what was about to happen after they had dinner, but maybe he really did need something to take off his nerves.

After the pause over the wine their conversation flowed effortlessly and TK was pleasantly surprised to find a man that could converse and had the money to pay for the both of them effortlessly. Michael was a general surgeon at a local hospital so he had numerous interesting stories to tell of his patients and his experiences. He wanted to know all about TK and his life at school. By the time they split a dessert TK found he rather liked him and was looking forward to the rest of their evening together. He wondered how on earth a guy like Michael was single in a busy place like New York. He was a catch in every sense of the word with light muscle all over, gorgeous skin, dark hair, and a smile that made the strongest stomach flip with butterflies. He had charm and charisma to add to his looks and he found TK funny and charming which was a first for him. 

Michael put a hand at the small of his back as they left after two hours talking at their corner booth. TK found himself looking forward to whatever else Michael had in mind for their evening. He was older so that meant he had more experience to put to good use. He would probably be much better than the guys he’d been hooking up with all summer who just wanted to get off as quickly as possible. TK quickly found himself tugged into a small alcove by the gleaming elevators and he was staring up into blue eyes that were completely captivating but he still found himself missing chocolate brown. 

“I find you absolutely beautiful,” Michael said quietly as he brought a hand up to cup his face. “You’re intelligent and captivating. Let me take you upstairs and show you a fantastic time. What do you say, baby?”

The pet name made TK hide a wince. Alex had always called him baby and at the time he had loved it, but now that word only brought pain. He normally snapped at any guy who tried to use a pet name on him, but the wine made his head fuzzy and nothing seemed to matter enough to bring up. Instead of answering he stretched up on his toes at the same time as he wrapped a hand around Michael’s tie to crash their lips together. Immediately he found himself pressed against the wall as Michael’s hands held his hips tightly as his own hands drifted up to tangle in Michael’s dark hair. A low groan rose as Michael wasted no time to slip his tongue in his mouth and stroked his tongue with long, slow strokes that made his toes curl. They broke apart and Michael wore a smirk on his handsome face as he tugged TK over to an open elevator and hit the button for the eighth floor.

It took only moments before they were wrapped up in each other all over again and TK had been right to assume Michael was a fantastic kisser and knew how to use his tongue. Michael’s lips were on his neck by the time they reached their room at the end of the hall and TK felt weak in the knees and it was only the tight arm around his waist that kept him on his feet. The door closed behind them and TK found himself pressed against it as large hands slipped under his shirt, uncaring to the buttons popping off. 

“Are we going to make it to the bed?” TK panted as he felt teeth nipiat his neck as one hand found a nipple to twist deliciously. His eyes rolled back as he let his head hit the wood dully. 

“I wouldn’t mind taking you apart against this door,” Michael said huskily between kisses over his collarbone. “But then again we have all night so I guess a bed might be a good idea.”

Michael pulled off of him and finally TK got to appreciate the gorgeous room reserved for them. They had a gorgeous view of the city from up here and TK spotted a hot tub out on the balcony. Everything was draped in rich red and browns that made the room feel warm and inviting. They had a fully stocked minibar at their disposal with an array of snacks laid out for them. It was obvious Michael had paid top dollar for a room like this and the king size bed looked more than inviting. TK shrugged his shirt off his shoulders, mourning the loss of Carlos’s favorite shirt on him. It was probably for the best that he lost that shirt since Carlos wasn’t supposed to have a favorite shirt. 

“Like the room?” Michael seemed amused at his slow gaze around their room. 

“It’s gorgeous,” TK admitted, taking off his shoes and sitting on the edge of the bed. “The view is beautiful.”

“I thought a guy like you deserved something nice,” Michael purred in his direction as he took off his own shirt carefully. TK nearly drooled at how fit the older man was and wondered how he got this lucky. He stood up swiftly and found his mouth kissing that bare chest without a second thought. Michael hummed in pleasure as TK used his tongue to flick over a deep pink nipple. It was when he went to use his teeth that a sharp tug came to his hair.

“No marks kid,” Michael said with enough force that TK knew he meant it but also with some amusement in his voice. “The missus doesn’t like that much.”

“Missus?” TK pulled away with his eyes wide and his mouth going dry. “You’re married? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Relax, relax,” Michael said with a roll of his eyes and a small smile. “It’s an open relationship I can assure you. We’ve had a few kids and now we like to look elsewhere for some fun. You’re exactly what I’m looking for. Fun without strings attached and all that. We’re both here for the same thing, a little bit of fun without all the commitment.”

TK had no idea what an open relationship was or if it was even really a thing. Michael was married, of course someone as gorgeous and successful as him was with someone. TK was foolish to think he was actually single and wanted someone like him. He was just a distraction, nothing more than a warm body to while away time with. That was what he wanted though, wasn’t it? He wanted sex that was mind blowing enough to make him forget everything else in his life. He wanted the pleasure without the chance for heartbreak. 

“Lie back on the bed and let me show you an amazing time,” Michael implored softly as hands came to rub his shoulders. “You’re absolutely perfect and I want to hear more of those pretty little moans.”

“I don’t know…” TK trailed off as his eyes slipped closed despite his best efforts to ignore the fingers massaging his muscles. “You’re married.”

“This isn’t for my wife I assure you,” Michael said into his ear as he ground his hard cock against him. TK couldn’t help the moan as he felt how big the older man was and the wine made it hard to want to stand up any longer. He crawled up onto the bed and gazed over to where Michael was digging through his jacket pocket earnestly before making a small noise of triumph as he pulled out a small orange bottle. 

TK felt his heart stop beating at the sight of those white little pills.

He’d been aching for a pill for weeks now since he overdosed all those weeks ago. The almost dying part was terrifying, but the feeling of floating and letting your mind free was something that never left his memory. His dad was quickly falling back into his habit of not giving a damn about what happened outside the firehouse and his mom never gave a damn in the first place. Alex was long gone to care what happened to him. Who did that leave to care if he took a pill to make it all feel better for just a little while? His friends only cared if he showed up with a smile to classes and could joke with them as usual. Carlos had his own life and problems to worry about to care how he made it through the day. He wanted to stop feeling everything so damn much. He wanted his heart to stop breaking every morning he woke up alone with Alex in his dreams. He wanted to stop caring so much that his dad was never around anymore. He wanted to stop wishing he could find someone to put him back together again. That pill was the answer to all he wanted and more. 

“Oxy,” Michael noticed his intent stare as he shook a pill into his hand. “I have a hip that won’t stop bugging me so I pop one of these so it doesn’t ruin a good time.”

“I want two,” TK said before he could stop himself from saying anything. He probably shouldn’t be demanding opioids from a doctor but the worst that happened is that he was kicked out to the street. It wasn’t like Michael was about to call the cops where he was hooking up with some kid barely of age whom he had given enough alcohol to be above the legal limit. 

“What are you going to do for me if I give it to you?” Michael taunted as he shook two more out and held them in his palm to taunt him. 

“Literally whatever the hell you want,” TK said honestly, not fully aware of what he was agreeing to since all he could think about was those pills. “I'll do whatever you want.”

“I think we’re going to have a beautiful arrangement on our hands, TK,” If Michael’s smile was a bit more predatory now TK didn’t notice since those little white pills finally tumbled into his palm and he was finally promised an end to the pain.

~~~~~

It was two weeks before Carlos caught on that something was wrong. 

He was exclusively seeing Michael whenever the older man demanded to see him. He would meet up with him during his breaks between surgeries or late at night before he went home for the night. The beautiful rooms quickly vanished in exchange for quick sex in the back of a car or the back alley behind a bar. TK was at the mercy of the man who could get him pills and instead of paying with money he paid the doctor in sex. He was nothing more than a plaything, but the pills made him not give that a second thought. He got his wish to stop caring about anything and anyone else after only a few days under the influence. All he cared about was when Michael was going to call or text him for his next fix. He barely went to class anymore since most nights he stayed with Michael when the older man let him. Sometimes it was another hotel, but soon it was at the older man’s house when his wife would go out to visit family or take the kids on a trip. TK was starting to suspect that whatever an open relationship was that Michael wasn’t really in one since his wife sure never seemed to be with anyone else. He couldn’t stop taking the oxy since he could never afford them off the street and while what he was doing was despicable he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Alex called him a disgusting whore before he left and why not prove him right? TK was nothing more than a whore at this point and the pills were all he had left that mattered.

“Hey there roomie,” Carlos greeted him when he stumbled into the apartment a bit more under the influence than he normally was when he came home. Michael had been called into a surgery so he had left TK to walk home before he had had a chance to ride out his high. “My mami dropped off some tamales if you’re hungry. I’m glad you’re home for a change. I’ve barely seen you since you started seeing your mystery guy a few weeks ago.”

“Michael,” TK said dazedly as he collapsed onto the couch with his eyes slipping closed. He was so sore everywhere and his jaw ached from where Michael had fucked his mouth rough enough to bring tears to his eyes. 

“Is that his name?” Carlos seemed amused for a minute before a small frown crept onto his face. “Are you alright?”

“I’m great,” TK said honestly as he briefly worried that Carlos would find out just how high he was, but that thought floated away moments later and he couldn’t worry about much of anything.

“Your dad came by earlier,” Carlos told him as he slowly came to stand in front of him with that frown still lingering. “He said you haven’t answered any of his calls or texts this week. Marjan, at least I think that’s her name, brought by the homework you missed the last few days. You told her you were sick? What is going on with you?”

“Been busy,” TK mumbled as he closed his eyes when the room started to sway. He had talked Michael into giving him three tonight, or was it four, for a few extra favors that he didn’t exactly enjoy, but it was worth it as always. 

“I thought Michael was nothing more than another Grindr hookup?” Carlos asked him as he came to sit next to him. “You’ve been with him every night this week. I don’t think that’s worth missing a week of classes.”

“Don’t wanna go to class,” TK was picking up only half of what Carlos was saying as his focus shifted in and out. “Doesn’t matter.”

“TK, look at me,” Carlos said in a sharper tone than TK had ever heard him use before. He flinched slightly and tried his best to lift his head enough to look over at Carlos, but then the room started spinning again so he let his head flop back and tried to remember just how many pills he had taken. “TK, please, tell me if you’re okay. Are you on something? You aren’t acting like yourself.”

“ ‘M fine,” TK waved a hand vaguely in the air, but as time passed he wasn’t so sure about how fine he was. Maybe he was normally passed out by now so he hadn’t felt this much of a high before. He knew it wasn’t dangerous, at least he didn’t think so. He couldn’t say he wasn’t enjoying the blissful feeling of not thinking about anything or anyone. He felt Carlos stand up from the couch and wanted to ask him to stay. He always felt safe when Carlos was around for some reason, whether it was because his voice was so soothing or his touch made him feel warm from the inside out. Carlos made him feel better than Michael could ever hope to, but Carlos was the one that would never want someone like him. Carlos wanted Iris, gorgeous and fun and intelligent. Iris wasn’t a fuck up and Iris didn’t feel so worthless she would sell herself off for some pills. Carlos deserved better than him. 

He must have drifted off because the next thing he knew a new voice was in the apartment and calling his name urgently. He blearily lifted his head up as he felt his stomach roll at the movement. Someone was crouched at his feet that he felt like he should recognize but no name was coming to mind over the fuzzy fog that had overtaken him hours ago. Carlos was standing behind them with his thumbnail between his teeth and looking far too worried. He should share some pills with Carlos so he wouldn’t worry so much. It was great not to worry or think or feel. 

“Hey kiddo,” A hand came up to cup his cheek and TK was grateful for the support to hold his head up since his neck didn’t seem to be doing such a great job. “Hey, do you know who I am?”

“Feel funny,” TK mumbled as his lack of focus started to spike a sense of fear in him rather than relief. It had been nice at first, but he didn’t want a stranger touching him while he was too out of it to focus on his face. He was so tired of people touching him whenever they damn well pleased. 

“My name is Judd,” The man spoke slowly and enunciated his words carefully enough that TK could understand him even through the fog. “I’m your neighbor. I’m a firefighter and I want to help. Can you tell me what you took?”

“No,” TK might have been out of it but he still knew that telling anyone would make the pills go away for good. He didn’t want them to go away. “Wanna sleep. Sick.”

“I know bud,” The man, Judd, said sympathetically but hands were keeping his head upright and focused. “I know you want to sleep, but I can’t let you until you tell me what you took. I’m not going to tell anyone I just want to make sure you’re safe before we let you sleep. Did you take some pills?”

“Yeah,” TK’s agreement slipped out before his mind could remind him to keep it to himself. The room wouldn’t stay still and he really needed to lie down now. 

“Okay, who gave them to you?” Judd asked patiently. TK whined in the back of his throat and tried to pull his head away from the large hands holding him up. Carlos was next to him from seemingly out of thin air and slipping an arm around himi to help him stay upright a little bit. His scent made the fear go away and TK just wanted to bury his nose in Carlos’s neck for the rest of the night until he felt better. 

“Did Michael give you some pills?” Carlos asked him quietly as he ran a hand through his hair comfortingly. “Do you know what they were? How many?”

“Oxy,” TK finally admitted so they would let him sleep. “Like three of them.”

“Good job TK,” Carlos told him gently and TK felt a sense of pride at those simple words. 

“He should be okay to sleep it off,” Judd said after a few moments. “He took more than the recommended dose, but not enough that we need to call an ambulance. I’ll probably stick around a while and watch his breathing just in case.”

“I can do that Judd,” Carlos said quickly and TK let his eyes drift closed again and hoped they would let him sleep soon. “You can go home. I’ll get him to bed and keep an eye on him. Thanks for coming up. I saw him like that and I just wasn’t sure if he was okay.”

“You did the right thing kid,” Judd said quietly. “I hope TK will be okay. He shouldn’t be messing around with stuff like that. It’s dangerous to be taking stuff like that beyond a doctor’s orders.”

“Whatever guy he’s tangled up with is bad news,” Carlos had gone back to running a hand through his hair and TK didn’t have enough sense to resist the temptation to curl further into him so his head rested on Carlos’s chest. He missed sleeping curled up with someone else so much it almost physically ached. MIchael didn’t cuddle that was for sure and TK had never let anyone else stay the night. He hadn’t let himself have that level of physical comfort since Alex left. 

“Goodnight boys,” Judd said and TK heard their front door close leaving them alone at last. He was already well on the way to being completely asleep right there on the couch.

“We should get you to bed,” Carlos whispered to him but he made no motion to stop the rhythmic stroking of his hair as he shifted to get more comfortable. 

“Don’t go,” TK mumbled without thinking and Carlos laughed softly before sighing. 

“Alright, we’ll stay like this for awhile.” TK sighed happily and finally let himself succumb to sleep. 

~~~~

TK woke to something firm yet soft at the same time under his cheek and was confused about where he was. He didn’t remember all that much from last night. He knew Michael had met up with him at the hospital so they could fool around in an on call room while he had some spare time. He knew that their session had been cut short and that he’d done enough to earn an extra pill or two. He blinked a few more times before he realized that Carlos’s chest was undre his cheek and they were tangled together on the couch. He’d been doing all of this to avoid his growing feelings for his roommate and now he ends up sleeping with him on the couch. Had Carlos seen him high last night? Had he realized just how bad off TK was? How had he been so reckless to let Carlos see him like that? 

Carlos shifted in his sleep and TK couldn’t help but be distracted by his sweet peaceful face. Whatever he was dreaming about seemed pleasant and he had a small smile on his face as his curls were tousled in every which direction making him look younger and somehow sexy at the same time. His lashes were long and gorgeous against his cheeks and TK let his eyes wander down to the muscles rippling under his shirt and linger there for longer than usual. Being an athlete made Carlos all lean muscle that TK just wanted to run his tongue over and worship his gorgeous body. He could picture being with Carlos so easily. He could imagine Carlos being kind and having those large reassuring hands trail over him with his smooth voice murmuring dirty things to him or kind reassurances. He could imagine that sex would finally be what it was supposed to be instead of the selfish act TK had always experienced. He had only ever been with men wanting to get their fill before throwing him away. Even Alex hadn’t been terribly kind to him when they finally did sleep together. After Alex was satisfied he left TK to take care of himself and rolled over to sleep. 

He would never in a million years be worthy of a man like Carlos.

“TK?” Carlos’s voice was deeper than TK had ever heard it before and it made shivers break out all over. 

“Morning,” TK said lamely, wondering just how much of a fool he had made of himself last night and if Carlos would even want to continue trying to be his friend. “I give good neck massages if you need one.”

Carlos simply blinked at him and TK felt his neck heat in embarrassment. Why would he say that? Why would he want some drug addict touching him? The overdose a few months ago might have been a one time thing, but now he had been using for two weeks straight and he was already uncomfortable without the high those white pills brought. “How are you feeling TK?” Carlos asked as he sat up and shifted back so there were a few inches between them. TK missed the skin contact immediately, but he knew he didn’t deserve something like that from Carlos. 

“I’m tired,” TK shrugged and looked around for his phone and sleepily picked up the first one he saw but the minute he’d unlocked the phone he realized it was, in fact, Carlos’s phone rather than his own. He was about to hand it to his roommate when his eyes locked on the text from Judd Ryder asking how he, TK, was and if he was off of his high yet.. His blood ran cold and panic set in as he wondered just why and how Judd had seen him high off his ass. 

“Why the fuck does Judd know about last night?” The question came out more harshly than he meant it to, but he couldn’t have anyone finding out. He was an idiot and was fucking this one good thing up just like he always did. If people found out then he would lose his escape and he couldn’t handle going back to reality. He couldn’t handle feeling that much all the fucking time and he would have to go back to feeling so lost and so empty all of the time. 

“You came home high off your ass,” Carlos told him slowly as if he’d forgotten. “You could hardly hold your head up straight and I had no idea if you’d overdosed or not. I figured he had seen more about drugs than I had and instead of calling an ambulance I called him.”

“My dad just hired him for his firehouse!” TK ranted as he stood up to pace, ignoring the way his head pounded dully. “I was fine! I just… I was out of it. My dad can’t fucking think that I’m taking pills again.”

“Again? What do you mean again?” Carlos again spoke as if he was slow on the uptake and had to have everything explained. “You got high on oxy last night. Your new boy has some extra perks it seems. What the hell are you doing with a guy like that? Have you been using the entire time you’ve been seeing him?”

“It isn’t your business,” TK knew he had no right to be snapping at Carlos, but he also couldn’t help himself from being defensive. “You have no right to interfere with my life and what I want to do. I am a fucking adult and I can make my own damn choices without my roommate trying to tattle on me!”

“Tattle on you? You mean trying to make sure you don’t kill yourself?” Carlos stood up as well and TK couldn’t handle the mixture of concern on his face with a little bit of hurt. “TK, that stuff is addictive, and not to mention it can damn well kill you. I know you’ve been more than a little miserable this past month, but you can’t turn to-”

“You don’t fucking know about my life and what I’m feeling,” TK growled as he glared at Carlos as he backed up a few paces. “You have no idea about half the shit in my life.”

“I do know that pills aren’t going to lead you anywhere good.” Carlos gripped his wrist tightly and TK was so tired of being grabbed when people felt like it. He let Michael do it when he pleased so he could get his fix, but not right now. He wasn’t just a thing to be grabbed and moved even if sometimes he felt like he wasn’t good for much more than that. 

“You act like that would be such a bad thing,” TK wrenched his arm away and went back to the search for his phone. Carlos was quiet as he searched around the couch and finally found it between the cushions. He was pleased to see Michael had texted him already to meet up that night. 

“I care about you,” Carlos said quietly and TK’s eyes snapped to his and the fear must have shown his eyes since he saw Carlos’s gaze soften further as he took a slow step toward him. “I care very much about you and I would be devastated if something happened to you.”

“You only care if rent gets paid,” TK sneered unfairly but he couldn’t handle Carlos looking at him like that. He didn’t want Carlos to get involved with a guy like him. He only ruined everything he touched. He would ruin Carlos just like he ruined everything else. He was a darkness, a poison, that spread no matter how he tried to contain it. Carlos was so full of light and love even despite the heartbreak his dad put him through. He was proof that TK was simply broken rather than a victim of any sort of trauma. Carlos had had a parent leave and he wasn’t as much of train wreck as TK was. He was still endlessly kind to everyone and found time to dote on his girlfriend and make new friends. He wasn’t full of so much anger and self-hatred that he couldn’t focus on anything else. 

“Why are you so damn terrified that someone might care?” Carlos asked him, arms loose at his sides but brown eyes intensely on him. “Why do you fight back every time someone tries to make a gesture that they care? You push your dad away every time he tries to reach out. You barely let your friends in your life. You avoid me for days after any time you start to let me care. You aren’t as isolated as you make yourself out to be. People want to care about you. Instead you lose yourself in guys who don’t give a damn about you and pretend that’s enough. It’s almost like you don’t think you deserve to be cared about.”

“It’s too early for you to try and analyze me,” TK honestly was exhausted and his anger was fading fast. He knew Carlos had only told because he cared. He knew he was dabbling in more danger than he could handle. “My dad isn’t the saint you think he is and before this summer he barely noticed me at all. You don’t understand what’s been going on. The guys I’m with… They make everything hurt just a little less. They make me forget about… everything else.”

“They hurt you,” Carlos argued with a hand coming to scratch the back of his neck. “I”ve seen the marks on you. If you could see your eyes when you get home in the morning…. You look completely empty and dead inside every time you come back from a night with one of them. You deserve more than that. I don’t know why you pretend to be some punk nobody likes when you’re really a good guy.”

“I’m going to see Michael,” TK muttered, a mistake he hadn’t seen as Carlos’s whole body tensed and his jaw dropped.

“Wait, let me get this straight. You’re going to see the same guy that got you high last night? The guy who just let you come home like that? I don’t know how you even made it home with how high you were last night.” Carlos was staring at him like he was crazy and TK knew he would never understand the craving he had for everything to disappear. He was tired of dealing with reality and this had to be better than the dark thoughts he had in the middle of the night. 

“You act like I don’t ask for it,” TK said softly as he slipped his shoes on before grabbing his keys and wallet. “I’m fine Carlos, okay? Last night just got a little out of hand. I like Michael a lot honestly. We have fun together a lot of the time. He likes me. I’ll be back later tonight, or sometime.”

“I can’t let you just go back there to get high,” Carlos stood in the way of the door with his arms folded and now those muscles were not nearly as fantasy inducing. They were actually quite intimidating now. “I won’t let you throw away everything in your life for drugs. If you go out there I will personally tell your dad. This isn’t something to mess around with and I’m not stupid to think that it won’t get worse. I’ve had cousins that got into drugs and they aren’t around anymore.”

“You can’t stop me!” TK shouted angrily, his heavy glare back as his hands shook. “You aren’t my keeper, Carlos! Get the fuck out of my way! I can do what I damn well please and I have since I was fourteen! My dad barely gave a shit when paramedics came to get me two months ago so I doubt he will do much even if you do tell him. He doesn’t have the time to deal with me. He’s too wrapped up in his damn firehouse. Nice try reporting me to my daddy. Move!”

Carlos seemed to know he was fighting a losing battle after they glared at each other for a few long moments. TK knew it wasn’t going to be easy to get a hold of his dad for his son, let alone some guy that barely knew him. He knew realistically his dad would care very much if he knew TK was back to dabbling in opioids again. He just hoped Carlos would buy his exaggeration at least for today. 

“Call me if you need a ride home,” Carlos said as he squeezed his shoulder softly. “I don’t want you walking home like that again. I’d rather you be safe than anything else. I promise I won’t ask questions if you call me, okay?”

“Thanks,” TK muttered as he pushed past him to get outside and he shoved his headphones in. Carlos didn’t deserve his behavior, but it was probably better this way. He already cared far too much and that wasn’t going to end well. It was better for Carlos to treat him like nothing more than a roommate even if it would kill him a little. He didn’t need anything more than those pills. He was tired of needing people that only ended up leaving. He was just fine on his own. He had to be. 


End file.
